Clarifying Your Family Values
There has been a lot of talk about "family values" among politicians these last several years. Debates have been known to break out regarding just what they are or are not. But the fact is that the most important family values for your kids are the ones that your family owns and practices.
Each family has values that they demonstrate by their actions as a group. Yet family members typically do not say things like, "In this family we believe that ,and therefore we do ." It happens, but not often enough.
Researchers of moral development have suggested that kids sort of "wake up" around the age of ten or so and look around them for what they should believe. The values they see exhibited by their parents and other family leaders at that time are pretty much accepted at face value and tend to remain as their values throughout life. Of course, we can change our values if we wish at any time, but it is amazing how powerfully we are affected by our early moral learning. So it's a good idea to examine and clarify the values your family holds dear as soon as you can -hopefully before your oldest child reaches the age of ten. In that way, you can present a clearer set of endorsed principles and behaviors to guide your children.
Humans are tribal. We seek unity and identity in our smallest of organizational groups -the family. This thirst for identity and tribal unity will find an outlet elsewhere if we do provide it at home. The need to participate in gangs for inner-city youth can be directly attributed to the lack of strong family identity. These kids find the values of gangs to be quite clear and to be strongly reinforced by gang ritua1s, which also clarify their identity as members. Families can also make use of these powerfully primitive methods to define their missions and strengthen their bonds.
Here are some tips for clarifying and celebrating your family's values:
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Marriage preparation can include a thorough examination of the values of each partner. Mutual values can be sculpted and embraced. And unique family customs can be explored.
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If you find it difficult to list or rank your values, begin by making a short list of people, things, or principles you would die for. Then make another list of people, things, or causes for which you would risk or contribute $10, $100, $1000, $10,000, $100,000, etc.
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Discuss each listed item thoroughly with your spouse. Be sure to include discussions of topics like honesty, loyalty, integrity, fidelity, justice, spirituality, charity, growth, fairness, respect, dignity, competition, race relations, religious differences, and the environment.
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Examine your behaviors/practices regarding the values you claim. If they do not match, recheck and modify your values statements -or challenge yourself to "walk your talk."
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If you already have children, follow up the marital partner meetings with whole-family sessions. Present your conclusions to your children and solicit their contributions and modifications to the values. Be sure to make it fun and exciting.
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Design family customs that will regularly illuminate and reinforce your family beliefs, bolster commitment, and strengthen bonds. For example: Your family may define the "real" meaning of Christmas as charity to the less fortunate and then ritualize that belief with each family member buying a gift for a person or persons suggested by a charitable organization.
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Meet once or twice a year as a family to review your values and their rituals.
Tip Sheet by Paul Courteau, Ph,D.
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