Don't Badmouth the Other Parent!
When Rita Sommers-Flanagan, Ph.D. and her daughter Chelsea Elander* recently asked hundreds of children of divorce what advice they would give to divorcing parents, the most frequent and emotional response they received was simply this, "Don't badmouth the other parent!!!"
Of all the stress children of divorced families endure, parents putting each other down was seen by them as the most difficult to tolerate. Why should that be? These kids must know that their parents have great issues with each other and that they don't like each other. What should it matter if that fact is expressed in front of them? Shouldn't they just get used to it?
Rita and Chelsea's finding does not surprise clinicians who work with children of divorce. The reasons for it may go very deep and may even be rooted in biology. In any case, the power and significance of this anguish may be best understood with a biological image.
Children are the biological product of a man and a woman who (typically and hopefully) once felt enough attraction (love?) to mate. Each of their cells carries the homogenized genetic material of both parents. They carry physical, temperamental, and other characteristics of both parents throughout their entire lives. Furthermore, for many years, their very survival depends upon the nurturing of these parents. Abandonment by either of them lessens their chance of survival (at least from a primitive biological and sociological perspective). It is understandable that kids are very sensitive to the dyadic relationship of their parents. Research has shown that children are both highly focused on and keenly aware of how their parents are getting along.
When you undergo a divorce, you are severing a relationship, distancing from a partner, rejecting another human who is biologically distinct from you. When your children experience the divorce, they are in a very real sense separated from a biological half of themselves. The divorce may be best characterized for them as feeling "split apart." More than being split down the middle, it can seem like a mini rebellion within each cell. Although this biological image is metaphorical rather than "real," it is perhaps the best way to convey what kids feel --and it's a valuable vision to call up for yourself whenever you are about to badmouth the other parent in front of your kids.
Children of all ages fantasize about the reunion of their divorced parents, partly because of this chronic sense of being split in two. But they can adjust and thrive despite the loss --given time and the continued love of both parents. If parents show respect and courtesy for each other, it helps their kids feel calmer and more at peace. It greatly lessens the internal ripping and tearing sensation that they feel when the opposite is true.
It's certainly OK to feel and express resentment and anger toward your ex-partner for as long as it takes you to grieve. To hold it in or deny it all of the time would not be healthy. So, express it! -but not around your kids. Vent with friends, counselors, and coworkers. Get it out for as long as you must. Don't let anyone tell you to stop until you are ready. Express all of that heavy emotion to the point of exhaustion on a frequent basis. Then conjure up some basic respect for your child's other parent and behave accordingly in front of the kids. The more you give yourself permission to grieve, "work through" and "get over" the intimate relationship with your ex-partner, the better you will be able to let your children love and respect all of themselves.
* Sommers-Flanagan (Rita, Chelsea Elander, and John). Don't Divorce Us. Alexandria, V A, ACA, 2000
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