Parallel Parenting After a Divorce
The geometric visual images of perpendicularity and parallelism can be useful when trying to imagine a new co-parenting relationship with your child's other parent. "Getting over" the intimate relationship is the first step in the process and can take months to accomplish. As this task moves to the background, it is gradually replaced with a new and more "business-like" relationship in which the parents typically come together only for the purposes of planning, making decisions, and solving problems regarding their children.
Just before and just after the parents separate, raw emotion and unresolved conflict often dominate the scene. The relationship at this point can be viewed graphically as perpendicular. It may both look and feel like the result of two cars crashing at right angles in the middle of an intersection.
Colliding cars attempt to occupy the same space at the same moment. Feuding divorced parents often attempt the same thing -they try to parent their children differently within the same moments. The resulting collisions produce much pain for everyone.
What if divorced parents did not try to parent differently at precisely the same times? What if, instead of moving perpendicularly toward each other, they moved in parallel? In geometry, parallel lines may be set closely together or widely apart but they never cross or collide. Could parents also allow each other to parent differently without collision? We can visually imagine two parents who coexist in this manner as two parallel lines on a sheet of paper. Now, imagine the children from this couple hopping back and forth from one line to the other as they periodically change homes.
Divorced adults who parent in parallel demonstrate basic respect for each other. When they "accept" the other parent in this way, they calm their children and allow them to feel good about both sides of themselves. Some divorced parents discover that they can co-parent in more alignment -much as married partners often can. This is a wonderful thing but it rarely occurs. For these lucky folks, their lines of parenting can be seen as overlaid or simultaneous. The kids barely recognize cultural differences from household to household. While this sort of arrangement is ideal, it is not essential. F or parallel parenting, alignment is not necessary but mutual support is.
Children are quite adaptable and learn to adjust to the rules and cultures of each parent's house. While creating difference for its own sake is not recommended, real and meaningful differences between homes can be well worth the work of adjustment for children. As visiting other cultures is broadening, living in divergent parent households can be a stimulating learning experience. The values and qualities of both parents can be better understood and tolerance can be a value that is taught first hand.
The following tips will help you establish and maintain a sound parallel parenting relationship:
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Learn to let go. Focus on yourself and your adult relationships when your kids are with their other parent. Do not let yourself worry or ruminate.
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Encourage your children to enjoy the time they have with their other parent. Welcome them back without concerned questions.
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Find at least one thing positive about the other parent's style/rules -even if you generally disagree.
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If your kids prefer your house, help them learn to adjust to their other house as well.
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Walk tall in your own convictions and support the other parent doing the same.
Tip Sheet by Paul Courteau, Ph,D.
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