Points to Remember
When a Parent Dies
Adapted from
Children and Grief: When a Parent Dies by William Worden
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The emotional responses and behaviors of children are varied around the time of loss but are strongly influenced by the reactions of the surviving parent and other adults.
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When a parent is in a terminal condition, the least likely to know are the younger children, and children are less likely to know than are the adults.
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Recapturing memories of the funeral and being able to talk abut it increases over time for most children.
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Children who participate in the funeral ritual have fewer overall emotional and behavioral problems.
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Sudden and violent deaths are more likely to lead to indecision about funeral attendance by parents and children.
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Including children in the planning of the funeral has a positive effect, helping them to feel important and useful at a time when many are feeling overwhelmed.
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Children should be given a choice as to attending the wake, funeral and burial; but these need to be informed choices, with children being prepared for what they will see and experience.
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Visiting the grave can be an avenue for children to remain connected with the dead parent during a time when they are working through the process of finding a place for the deceased in their current life.
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Children who remain connected after the loss are better able to talk about the dead parent both inside and outside the family.
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An ongoing relationship with the deceased can be a healthy part of the grieving process called “constructing.” The constructing process involves renegotiating the meaning of the loss rather then ‘letting go’ of the deceased. This renegotiation continues to be part of the child’s life experience.
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Children often feel watched by or have dreams about their deceased parent; most realize these are generated inside themselves.
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Communication with and memories of the deceased parent are important in the mourning process and diminish over time, as does the significance of transitional objects. Transitional objects are items that belonged to the deceased parent. They may have been given to the child by the dead parent or by the surviving parent or perhaps even appropriated by the child themselves.
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Children who are highly connected to the deceased parent seem better able to show their emotional pain, to talk with others about the death, and to accept support from family and friends. Although children experience this emotional pain, it does not mean they are experiencing difficulty in the mourning process.