Tips for Avoiding Sibling Rivalry
Stay out of it! Don’t step in! Ignore tattling! (Step in if it becomes abusive or violent).
Stepping in promotes rivalry, provides attention. Say, “I know you can work it out!”
Yelling, taking sides, dismissing, solving their problems makes it worse.
List all the put-downs said in a week: “You’re ugly/stupid,” etc. Give it to them to read.
Teach the child and allow them to express their feelings, good or bad.
Bad: “I hate you!” Better: “Sounds like you’re really angry at Ben.”
Watch for teasing, as it may be emotionally or verbally abusive.
If violence is threatened, take it seriously and get help!
Help children write down their complaints, prioritize them. Work on number one.
Give power and praise to each child; recognize cooperative behavior.
“You choose the baby’s food” or “Thanks for cleaning up the toys together nicely.”
Give positive attention to each child.
Say, “Now we have two sweet children” when someone compliments the new baby.
Praise each child’s unique abilities, encourage individual talents, celebrate differences.
Prevent physical harm, no violence!
Feelings are okay, violence isn’t. Violence against a sibling is serious. Get help!
-
Boys tend to poke or pinch, signaling a need for more physical attention.
Kids wrestle. Ensure wrestling is play, by mutual consent and a size/age/skill match.
Separate children. Allow them time-out to cool down and think.
If you can, send one to China and the other to Australia!
Remove the source of the conflict.
Without blame or punishment, remove the item of conflict. Return it when they get along.
Give individual attention to each child. Reassure them of your love.
Time or special activity decreases need to grab attention.
Each child needs attention differently; hugs, praise, roughhousing, help with homework.
Model good conflict resolution with your partner and children.
Treat each child and give to them individually, not equally. Avoid the “fairness trap.”
Set individual goals and stages or ages to gain privileges.
Provide space division of “territory,” especially if sharing a bedroom or bathroom.
No two people can be expected to live, work, and play together happily 100% of the time!
Don’t compare! Describe! Comparison increases rivalry, reduces self-esteem.
Bad: “Your work is neat like your sister’s.” Better: “Your work is neat!”
Encourage lifelong sibling relationships.
Give the message, “Friends come and go, family is forever” and “Blood is thicker than water.”
Tip sheet by Cheryl Minnick, M.A.