Stepfamily Stages

Stage One: Fantasyland: The adults are hoping to heal the pain of divorce or death. Parents may hope for someone to help them with the parenting and someone to love their children. Stepparents hope to be all that and more. Children are usually hoping that their parents reunite and the stepparent goes away.
Stage Two: (Immersion) or “What did I get myself (and my kid) into?” People in the stepfamily are beginning to feel the difficulty of balancing the already established relationships with new relationships. Often, the stepparent is the most uncomfortable at this stage, as they don’t usually have as close a relationship with the child as the parent does. Stepparents may not understand what is wrong, but are very clear that something is certainly not right. Parents may be annoyed that the stepparent isn’t joining the family more easily.
Stage Three: (Awareness) or “A Chaotic Time” Everyone is starting to figure out where the hard feelings are coming from. Stepparents are able to recognize that they feel left out, that the relationships already in place between the parent and child and the parent and the ex-spouse are difficult to break into. At this point, stepfamilies start realizing that their family needs to do things differently from first families in order to be successful and happy.
Stage Four (Mobilization) or “How Could it Possibly Get Worse?” This is where things can be ugly. Someone, usually the stepparent, is pushing for some changes - immediately, thank you. The stepparent may feel they finally understand what they need and they’re not going to stop demanding until they get it. The parent may feel attacked.
Stage Five (Action) or “Well, Maybe this Can Work”: This when things start to change to accommodate stepfamily realities. Parents and stepparents are better able to understand each other, to listen to each other, and to come up with ways to make their household run more smoothly.
Stage Six (Contact) or “OK – I’m Almost Sure this Can Work”: Finally, things have settle into a comfortable, working rhythm. Relationships begin to grow one-on-one. Stepparents and stepchildren build their relationship, and parent and stepparent support each other.
Stage Seven (Resolution) or “Once you Know the Dance Steps this isn’t So Difficult”: Solid relationships are in place and the family has its way of doing things. The stepfamily has formed and everyone has grown accustomed to the family’s ways.

Adapted from The Truth about Stepfamilies, by Anne O’Connor, 2003

From Patricia Papernow’s book

Becoming a Stepfamily: Patterns of Development in Remarried Families

(Analytic Press, 1998)

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