"Being there" for kids after a divorce
We want to be available to our kids at any time they need us. During and after a divorce, most parents are sensitive to the fact that their kids need even more of their attention and care. This Tip Sheet, however, is about another kind of "being there" for kids -one that can be excruciating difficult for many separated parents to pull off.
The kind of presence I am talking about is the one where kids want both of their biological parents to be at the same sporting event, musical performance, graduation, or wedding. Those important events (especially those that happen only once) where they want to look out into the bleachers or audience and see both halves of their biological selves smiling back with prideful approval.
I remember hearing a sad story about a young woman who was planning her wedding. She reserved two chairs for her biological parents at the ceremony -two chairs side by side. Although she planned appropriately and asked both parents to do this for her, one of the parents refused to be seated next to the other. The bride was crushed.
Why would this be so important for her? Wouldn’t 't she be asking her parents to be dishonest about the rancor they must still feel for each other? Wasn't she just asking too much? We can understand how either parent might not want to comply with such a request. But what could the bride's motives be? Certainly she knows how difficult a request this was.
Although I have no detailed knowledge of this case, I don't believe she was still "in denial" about her parents continuing animosity. Neither do I think that she hoped their sitting side by side would somehow magically warm their relationship. I believe that on this special day she simply wanted to see -with one glance -the two people who created her and whom she loves so deeply. Just for one brief moment, she wanted not to be reminded of the fact that her two biological creators are in discord. She didn't want to find her mother's face in one part of the chapel and her fathers in another. Not on this day, not at the moment when she herself was taking a partner to love and cherish for life.
She wanted this particular gift from both of her parents for a few moments on this one special day. Could both of her parents have done this for her? Certainly. I'm betting that it would have been more valuable to her than all of her wedding gifts combined. That's how powerful a gesture and important a gift it would have been.
It's important to resolve the intimacy issues with our ex-spouses enough so that (barring real concerns about violence) we can "be there" for our kids on important and special occasions. Too many divorced parents will not attend a sporting or other event if they believe the other parent will be there too. Unlike the above example, kids rarely expect their parents to interact with each other or sit together (though they also never want to see them fight). But they really want them both there --somewhere in the crowd --to validate their worth and cheer them on. They want to be reminded of the divorce as rarely as possible and reminded of their parents' love for them as often as possible. Can two divorced parents "be there?" Of course. Once we understand how important is it for them, we find it easier to force ourselves to do it - not for us, certainly not for the other parent, but simply for our kids.
Tip Sheet by Paul Courteau, Ph,D.
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