Principles for Helping Kids Cope
with a Death or Significant Loss
HONOR EACH CHILD: Recognize that each individual experiences grief in a unique way. Be aware of the individual child’s developmental age.
LISTEN TO THE CHILD: Be attentive to what the child expresses and understands. Understand that at the basis of the child’s perception will be his/her own “data bank” of information and life experiences. The technique of careful listening and meaningful response means to address exactly what the child wants to know…nothing more, nothing less.
TELL THE TRUTH: A child deserves honesty. Use simple, clear words plus reassurance and expressions of love. Use the words “death” and “dying,” not “gone away” or “left us.” Telling the truth doesn’t always mean a complete description of all the details. Listen to the child and learn what he/she needs and wants to know.
BE AWARE THAT MAGICAL THOUGHTS ARE PART OF A CHILD’S THINKING: A child might not understand the circumstance of a death and may even feel somehow responsible (e.g., “step on a crack, break your mother’s back”). Listen for confused thinking and work to help the child understand.
BE AWARE THAT YOUNG CHILDREN ARE OFTEN UNABLE TO UNDERSTAND THE PERMANENCE OF DEATH: For this reason, a child will often ask you to repeat again and again the “story” of the death or answer repetitive questions.
BE AWARE THAT CHILDREN INCORPORATE THEIR GRIEF INTO THE REST OF THEIR LIVES: One moment, a child may seem completely oblivious to the death, and the next, be very sad or crying.
RECOGNIZE THAT IT IS IMPORTANT TO SHARE APPROPRIATELY YOUR OWN FEELINGS OF GRIEF: A child may be confused about his/her own feelings and have some difficulty identifying these feelings. It is helpful for the child to realize that she/he is not alone in feelings of grief.
RECOGNIZE THAT A CHILD WILL NATURALLY REVISIT THE FEELINGS OF LOSS AS HE/SHE MATURES IN UNDERSTANDING.
TRUST THE CHILD’S PROCESS AND KNOW THAT YOUR JOB IS TO BE WITH HIM/HER IN A SUPPORTIVE AND UNDERSTANDING WAY.
These principles were developed for use in the Stepping Stones Program by program coordinators Ellen Stirling, MSN and Gerri Hayes, MSW.
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