Common Myths
As the number of stepfamilies grew through the 70s and 80s, many myths concerning them were challenged and shattered. The easy homogenization process many parents anticipated turned into something more closely resembling curdling. The following expectations were found to be false:
Myth Number 1: Stepfamilies function just like first-time families.
From the very beginning, stepfamilies are very different from first-time families. They typically incorporate children who suffered the loss of a love bond between their biological parents -and this is only the beginning of the different experiences and expectations.
Myth Number 2: Given time, all members of a stepfamily will love each other.
Love among stepsiblings or between a child and stepparent can happen, but should not be expected.
Myth Number 3: Stepfamily creation after a partner's death is easier than after a divorce.
This is perhaps surprisingly untrue. There are some good reasons why.
Myth Number 4: Stepfamilies benefit from the parents having learned from earlier mistakes.
While it is true that people can and do learn following a divorce, the unique challenges and complexities of a stepfamily typically overwhelm those gains. Therefore, much new learning and support are required to make stepfamilies successful.
Myth Number 5: Part-time stepfamilies have fewer troubles than ful1-time stepfamilies.
The confusions and lags in communication caused by part-time arrangements tend to create problems of their own. If familiarity breeds contempt, so can separation.
Myth Number 6: If children are treated well by a stepparent they will be happy in the home.
Often the opposite is true. If a stepparent is seen as fun and friendly, children may reject that person all the more in response to internal conflict around loyalty to the other parent.
Myth Number 7: The new partners' love will make all family problems evaporate.
You already know this one is nonsense. But sometimes it is unconsciously believed.
Myth Number 8: Relating to stepchildren is the same as to natural children.
This belief has led to much resentment and embarrassment. The relationship with a stepchild is complex and contradictory at best. The role of stepparent is only distantly related to the role of natural parent --a fact that must be lived to be fully appreciated.
Myth Number 9: A child of our own will bring everybody together.
The introduction of a new baby to a first-time family is itself complex and intense. Great care must often be taken to avoid sibling rivalry. In a stepfamily, the ramifications of the introduction of a new infant who is the ONLY biological product of the new marital partnership must be weighed carefully. While stepfamily unification is possible through many constructive actions, it is by no means a natural result of a new baby.
Much of this material was adapted from Margaret Newman's Stepfamily Realities, published in 1994 by New Harbinger Publications, Inc., Oakland, CA