The whole purpose of divorce is to allow two adults to dissolve their intimate relationship because they no longer want to live together. More often than not, they can't seem to agree on much either. Very few relationships break up mutually and amicably. But if you are parents, and parenting is forever, you can't say "good-bye forever" to your marital partner. It would be wonderful, and even healthy, to be able to do so--especially for people who are still in love and long to remain married. But, for the sake of the kids (and ONLY for that reason), even these parents must learn to endure contact with their former mates.

After some trial-and-error experimentation and serious research through the last thirty years, we have come to the conclusion that children really need to maintain meaningful contact with their parents -even if one or both of them aren't that good at parenting. Barring abuse, kids do best when they have rich and frequent contact with BOTH parents. Parents who continue to posture and fight make their kids suffer greatly. To do what's right for their kids, divorced couples must work out ways to respect each other's parenting. To do that, they must learn to communicate with, problem-solve with, and show basic respect for the other parent.

How can they do it? Well, it is obviously not an easy task. But, it can be done and is done every day. Here are some basic points on how:

• Most importantly and centrally is the love that each parent must have for their kids. Without that love and the full intention to do the best for their children, there is neither enough reason nor sufficient energy for the daunting task of parenting with an ex-partner. It is good to carry an 8 X 10 (or larger) picture of your kids to each meeting with their other parent. Put it on the table or in its own chair so you can both see it and be constantly reminded of the ONLY reason you are talking together at all.

• Work hard to "get over" the intimate part of your married relationship. Read books, get training, join support or therapy groups, or just talk seriously to friends who have gone through it years ago. The sooner you can get "beyond" the loss of your partner, the better you will be able to parent with that person. Be aware that you can't rush grieving much (let it take the time it needs), but you can keep it moving along and can become stronger and healthier in the process.

• Build your skills in effective communication and negotiation. Put them to use with anyone you can so that you can be better prepared to take all of the opportunities you find to enhance the parenting relationship with your child's other parent. Work on making that relationship "cooler" and more business like.

• Avoid adversarial and power-based interactions with your former mate. Retain an attorney to help you make your best decisions through the divorce, but be sure to maintain your own focus and purpose. Don't let the legal aspect of the divorce process cripple the sensitive parenting relationship that your children's parents must build to serve them best. Remember, after you have both spent a lot of money and have a decision from a court (good, bad, or indifferent), you and your former mate will inherit whatever went on in that legal process. If you have seriously damaged mutual respect and trust that is what you will have to overcome as you take on the important task of co-parenting.

• Use mediators and mutually chosen experts to help you make parenting decisions when you cannot do it on your own. Developing good communication skills will help you negotiate with your child's other parent. When that doesn't work, a mediator can often help you revitalize the negotiation process. Sometimes parents can utilize a neutral expert to help them reach agreement on a stuck issue -either on their own or with the help of a mediator.

Tip Sheet by Paul Courteau, Ph.D.                                                                                   Copying Permitted